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And He Left a Note Saying, ‘You Were ALL Naughty!’

Maybe it was all the spoiled brats sitting on his lap, or maybe it was Black Friday starting on a Thursday, or maybe it was just a lifetime’s worth of accumulated debauchery. Whatever it was, Santa couldn’t take it anymore this year. And really, who can blame him?

Fortunately, 50 Uni Watch readers will still find something under the tree this morning, thanks to this year’s reader appreciation raffle. Here are this year’s winners, and the prizes they’ve won:

Michael Malinowksi: Uni Watch membership
Kevin Windels: Gridiron Memories helmet
Luke Murphy: Farkas Eye Black
David Byrne: Reds baseball cards
Li Maw: Reds baseball cards
Dominick Carfello: Retro College Cuts basketball shorts
Tim Stout: Stan Musial memorial patch
Mitch Reed: Akron Aeros patch
Kevin Coffin: Cardinals 1926 World Series patch
Adam Badt: Yankees 1943 World Series patch
Matthew Weidner: Red Sox 1912 World Series patch
Michael Moore: Braves staff softball team jersey
Matthew Radican: Giants money clip
Ryan Sweeney: Leather business card holder
Ben Grix: Manchester United merch catalog
Alex Cain: Newcastle United merch catalog
Michael Saad: Ajax soccer merch catalog
Kevin Mueller: Newcastle United merch catalog
Brian Ristau: Soccer Madness merch catalog
Harrison Thomas: Arsenal merch catalog
John Duncan: Newcastle United merch catalog
Tyler Kemp: Braves program, issue No. 1
Hank Ward: Braves program, issue No. 2
Parker Martin: Braves media guide
Tony Miller: Braves media guide
Jim Michaels: B.J. Upton bobblehead
Keith Owen: Rangers mustache tattoos
Chad Jeske: Wild mustache tattoos
Kevin Esmond: Canadiens mustache tattoos
Matt Gamertsfelder: Austin Dillon cap
Jed Bodger: Mets pom-pom hat
Aaron Lehr: Mets shirt
Yosef Coleman: CleveWin shirt
Corey Wrinn: BostWin shirt
Ryan Klund: Wichita State sweatshirt
Tony Tengwall: Chicago Shamrocks jersey
Luke Contreras: Falcons jersey
Richard Hill: Warriors sleeved jersey
Patrick Sweeney: Uni Watch varsity jacket
Christopher Hurtgen: Vintage softball pants
Peter Baumgartner: Vintage Rangers poster
Sam Patti: Vintage Blackhawks poster
Scott Gurrola: Vintage North Stars poster
Mike Engle: Vintage Canadiens poster
Rocky Bonanno: Vintage Golden Seals poster
Jason Werth: Left Field Cards wall decals
Todd Gardner: Keith Hernandez wall decal
Matthew Peters: Brad Mangin iPhone photography book
Gareth Hammond: Uni Watch temporary tattoos
Todd Wright: Uni Watch temporary tattoos

I’ll start mailing these out in batches over the next week or so. It’ll take a little while to get everything shipped, so my thanks in advance for your patience. Michael Malinowksi, let me know what design you want for your membership; Kevin Windels, let me know which helmet you want from Gridiron Memories; and Dominick Carfello, let me know which shorts you want from Retro College Cuts.

Everyone please accept my sincerest wishes for a wonderful Christmas. I’d also like to send extra-special holiday wishes to the other folks who make this site so great: Ticker interns Mike Chamernik and Garrett McGrath; webmaster John Ekdahl; membership card designer Scott Turner; “Collector’s Corner” columnist Brinke Guthrie; and of course L.I. Phil Hecken, the greatest bench coach a skipper could ever have. A healthy and a happy to one and all. Peace. ”” Paul

Comments (53)

    ’twas the morning of christmas
    And on my ipad
    I was shutout in the raffle
    And this made me mad

    All year I was nice to Paul
    You might say I did flirt
    But I couldn’t even score
    A lousy mets shirt

    I tried so hard
    I hate to lose
    I hope you get rashes
    From your temporary tattoos

    I wish you all well
    This site’s a hodgepodge
    May Paul’s vision be struck
    So he only sees purple camouflage!

    Bah Hambug!


    For a site so sensitive about issues like the name of a professional football team, it’s kind of surprising to see you joking about Christmas-time suicides and suicide in general. “Who can blame him?” Fuck you.

    You’re a real beauty Paul! I can’t believe the poor taste you displayed and your obvious anger toward Christmas.
    For your next self indulgent “What Paul Did Last Night”, lose the respect of at least one of us… asshole.

    As a long time reader, I too cringed at the image above…I don’t know if this is a defense or not, but I don’t think it was done out of anger. There are however multiple examples of very poor attempts at humor here…ones that show a lack of sensitivity. If you attempt something like that you must be able to stand up to the firestorm it might create.

    I don’t really care that Santa and Christmas are being made light of. One’s a fictional character and the other is a holiday our mainstream society has told us to abandon our loved ones to go shopping all in the name of family. As someone who has lost a good friend to suicide, however, I hate seeing it used in any way that makes light of it. Hahaha Santa killed himself because Christmas is a complete farce! I get it, but just don’t like it especially at a time of year when so many people get depressed and contemplate taking their lives. This site isn’t unique in doing so by any means but that doesn’t make it any more pleasant.

    A writer acquaintance of mine committed suicide last week; a good friend of mine committed suicide 13 months ago.

    So yeah, I’m familiar with how awful it is. But Santa? Come on.

    I know for a fact that my friend who killed himself last year would have laughed at today’s entry, and I’m pretty sure the other guy would have as well.

    Just so I’m clear though… and I get that they are far different magnitudes…
    But it’s okay for you to say, “hey I don’t find it offensive and it’s tradition so I’m not changing”, but when the Redskins say the same they should still change their name?


    We go thru this every year, people. As longtime readers are well aware, dead/drunk/debauched Santa images are standard Dec. 25 fare on this site:






    2007 (my favorite):

    Santa has always given me the creeps, ever since I was a kid, so I enjoy fucking around with him. Not your cuppa? That’s fine — nobody said it had to be.

    Christmas itself is a fine day. I have mistletoe hanging, I’m playing Christmas music (my favorite is “Christmas in Jail” by the Youngsters), and I’m cooking a mini-feast for some friends who are coming over.

    Happy-happy, merry-merry, ho-ho-ho, etc.!

    Omg humbug and KMS you uptight trolls you need to relax and get some perspective. If you know this site at all you know is Paul is a good man and is not making light of suicide. If you don’t like it and are truly offended 1) don’t come back to this site and good fucking riddance, and 2) hope Santa brings you one fucking brain cell so you can actually learn to think for yourself. Humbug: on behalf of Paul: fuck you!

    You’re right Paul, I apologize for the profanity. Had just woken up and this is always one of the first stops on the iPad and I got really upset at the stupidiy. I couldn’t let that ignorant commentary slide…

    Can we call a timeout and rip those sleeved jerseys off the players and burn them please? Is it too late to postpone it for the rest of the day and season? I’m more of a modernist than a traditionalist and all but… Wow…

    With the headline, it’s a great cartoon. I lost my father to suicide; took me a while to be able to laugh at anything that dealt with the subject, but I took it as a sign of healing when I was able to find humor in the absurdity of the subject again.

    Also, since Santa is really a stand-in for Jesus – c’mon, people, do you really need the “free presents for all good children” = “grace freely given” metaphor spelled out for you? – suicide Santa ain’t no thing. Santa has come, Santa has risen, Santa will come again.

    The only offensive thing about the cartoon is that it depicts Santa as white, when we all hopefully by now understand that he is really a swarthy Turk. Who should probably be wearing camouflage, because Why does Santa hate the troops so much?

    To all who, like me, are today reveling in the joy and mystery of the incarnation, happy Christmas!

    To all who are merely suffering an unwanted long day off with all the good stores closed, my deepest apologies for the inconvenience. In my own neighborhood, even the Chinese joint and the hookah bar are closed for Christmas this year. To which I can only say, ?!

    I still enjoy the “What race is Santa?” argument, because I always get dirty looks when I say “Go up there and ask him.” Jeebus, I can think of literally 30 things more interesting to argue over than the skin color of a mythical figure. Hashtag: get over it.

    “To all who are merely suffering an unwanted long day off with all the good stores closed, my deepest apologies for the inconvenience.”

    I’m not apologizing for the inconvenience. Y’all should have bought your groceries before Wally World and the like closed at 8PM last night. Suffer with your families :]

    Instead of going with Suicide Santa this year, I almost went with Zombie Santa, who would have been a bit closer to “swarthy Turk” reality:

    But zombies seemed a bit played out lately, so I stuck with Suicide Santa. Maybe I’ll use Zombie Santa next year. (Or maybe I’ll use Toe Tag Santa, who won’t show you here but was definitely in the running.)

    For What It’s Worth:

    “In 1931, the Coca Cola Corporation contracted the Swedish commercial artist Haddon Sundblom to create a coke-drinking Santa. Sundblom modeled his Santa on his friend Lou Prentice, chosen for his cheerful, chubby face. The corporation insisted that Santa’s fur-trimmed suit be bright, Coca Cola red. And Santa was born — a blend of Christian crusader, pagan god, and commercial idol.”


    The first shirt game looked like ass. And it didn’t help that the Bulls looked like they were wearing Syracuse orange on TV. I’d say it was something off, but the graphics with the Bulls logo were clearly red.

    My cousin Adam (a huge NBA nut) said that game should’ve been played last night, and be called The Nightmare Before Christmas, with its Halloween colors. He doesn’t like the shirtseys either.

    Okay, just looked at the photos on of this game, and the jerseys do, in fact, look red there. So I really don’t know what was up with two completely different TVs in two completely different houses coming up with the same orangey appearance for those things.

    Thanks Paul and crew for the site every day. I hope that all are enjoying the day–whatever way suits them.

    We have the standard Christmas morning, with stirrups sported by the North Pole Nine (’39 Oaks), plus baking a birthday cake for my older son.

    John K

    As one who has endured many, many soul-sapping extended family Holiday gatherings, I looked at the cartoon and thought, “Gee, Paul really understands Christmas!”

    A few weeks ago you ran a story on NFL players wearing rings and talked about QALO rings… Got one in the stocking today and love it. Can’t wear my original wedding band due to metal allergy, this is a perfect (and cheap) solution. Thanks for the tip!

    I really enjoyed Christmas this year … was fortunate enough to give bosses, co-workers, friends, and family gifts that showed my appreciation of them … wife and I got to participate by doing two of the readings for our church’s Christmas Eve service … topped by a nice, quiet day at home with our two grown children, one of whom just got engaged to a terrific young many, and the other who just landed his first professional / career job.

    Merry Christmas to all … it’s a great time of year …

    I believe you have said in the past the you are a secular Jew so I must thank you for the wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. In this day and age it seems like some people are having more trouble saying that than about anything else. As a Christian I want to say thank you for doing so. I really appreciate your effort. I too am tired of the commercial aspects of the season. I am not offended by any reference to religious beliefs. I think we need to respect anyone’s right to believe or not. Thank you again.

    My breakdown of how the NBA Christmas shirtseys looked:

    What a shitload of fuck!

    Sad thing is, the Clippers have a superior shirtsey in their arsenal with the powder-blue set, but of course the NBA and Adidas just have to push this silver big-logo rubbish.

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