The Funniest Thing Ever Written About the MLB/Nike Fiasco (or anything else)

Good morning! Today is my birthday — I’m now 60. Not quite sure how that happened, and I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around it, but I still feel about 45 and will keep doing my best to live that way. That’s the most important thing, right?

Anyway: Reader Casey Goldman gave me an early birthday present yesterday by sending me a link to this brilliant piece called “A Uniformity of Errors,” which was published a few days ago on SB Nation’s Dodgers blog. It imagines a corporate boardroom meeting in which some Nike employees are trying to tell a high-ranking Nike executive about the public reaction to the new MLB uniforms. Uni Watch is mentioned several times (I am repeatedly and amusingly referred to as “Uni Watch guy”), but that’s just a nice bonus — the piece would still be a must-read even without that. Here’s a passage that captures the flavor of the proceedings quite nicely. They’ve already discussed the narrower placket and smaller NOB lettering and so on, and now they’re getting to the part about the off-white home uniforms:

Exec: So, where are we? We’ve got a crowded jersey-back with a lowered MLB logo and archier lettering and smaller numbers and a bunch of pitchers who look like hippies.

VP: Rich hippies.

Exec: They’ll learn.

Assistant: [sighs]

Exec: What else?

Rep: Well….

VP: The white thing.

Rep: Yes, the white thing.

Exec: Oh, Christ…

Rep: So…

Exec: This company does not need another race problem. The last thing this company needs is some goddamn viral goddamn…

VP: Oh, not that. Not that.

Rep: Not that, Sir.

Assistant: Different “white.”

Rep: It’s the color, Sir.

Exec: You don’t need to tell me it’s the color. I know it’s the color. It’s been the color since before this country got started.

VP: Sir.

Assistant: Different “white.”

Exec: Why do you keep saying that?

Rep: The color of the jerseys, Sir. The color of the white jerseys.

Exec: I don’t understand.

VP: We’ve changed the white, Sir.

Exec: Good! That’s the idea, isn’t it? All that shit LBJ signed off on, the progress we’ve made with sports, for God’s sake. Do you people know how many consultants we brought in a couple years ago when all that goddamn protesting went on, Freddie something? No, George something… I know this…

Assistant: Gray, Sir. And then Floyd.

VP: This has nothing to do with that, Sir. We’re talking about the color of the white jerseys. The home whites.

Rep: Yes, just the color of the white, Sir.

Exec: I see. Yes… I see. The color… of the.. Hold on, what color is white?

VP: It’s not a big deal, Sir. It’s not at all what you were thinking.

Exec: Can someone please explain to me what we’re talking about?

Assistant: All of it, really.

Exec: Not now.

Rep: Sir, simply put: the quality of white… no, hang on, not that. The kind of white we’re using this year is different than the kind of white used last year.

VP: Or the year before.

Rep: For many years.

Exec: I still don’t understand. I’m sorry I got excited. This whole “white” thing threw me.

Assistant: It can do that.

Exec: Stop.

Rep: Here, maybe I can help… Have you ever seen… did you ever see the movie American Psycho?

Exec: An all-time favorite.

Rep: Perfect.

Exec: Isn’t it? Christian Bale eats.

Assistant: Sir.

Exec: What? It’s language. You are this close…

Rep: Okay, so do you remember the scene where they’re talking about business cards?

Exec: I wrote two papers on it. High school and college.

Rep: Perfect.

Exec: It really is. He EATS.

Rep: So, the color of the business cards…

Exec: Ohhh!

Rep: Exactly. We’ve changed the home white jersey color from a white that could be described as…

Exec: “Bone?” Is it “bone?”

Rep: “Wedding gown.”

Exec: Ah.

Rep: The home whites used to be “wedding gown white,” and we have changed that white. Now the home whites are…

Exec: “Bone?” Please say “bone.”

Rep: Well, “off-white” is what we’re saying. It’s a sort of slightly warm cream.

Exec: You should just call it “bone.” Can we call it “bone?”

VP: Sir, we think avoiding the nomenclature of that film might better represent…

Exec: Okay. Okay. I get it. I get it. I’m gonna call it “bone,” though. To myself.

VP: Very well.

If that seems like a long excerpt, believe me when I say it’s just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Read the whole thing here — Uni Watch’s highest rating!

And who was the author of this masterpiece? The byline lists the writer as Mack Astin, so I did a bit of poking around and learned that it’s actually the actor Mackenzie Astin. If his acting career ever goes bust, he can definitely get work as a writer.