In the beginning, there was Okkonen, and it was Good. Because up until then there had been no record of base ball raiment. And so began the Period of Great Enlight’nment, and there was much rejoicing.
And then, after a number of epochs, Okkonen joined forces with the mighty Shieber of Cooperstowne, and thus the two of them begat Dress’t to the Nynes. And this too was Good, for now the Master’s Wisdomme was available to all, even those who did not have a printed copy of the Illuminated Manuscript.
But as Time went by, certain scholars dared to voice a near-Heresy: The Wisdomme, they said, was flaw’d. In some places it was Mistak’n; in many others it was Inkomplete. And the Master’s colourful engrayvings, which had long been celebrayt’d as powerful tools to convey the Wisdomme to future generations, began to be seen as Too Limit’d, for they showed no Posterior View, nor did they show Fyne Detail, among several other Problemmes. Worst of all, the Master had been so fatigued by the initial compiling of the Wisdomme that he could not continue with the task in subsequent seasonnes. And so there was Diskontente across the land. And this was Not Good.
And then there came Henderson.
Henderson did not claim to proffer the Master’s Wisdomme. Indeed, he did not provide Informations regarding millinery, or trousers, or the all-important stockings, or for any raiment prior to the much-despis’d Age of Synthetux. But he did provide significant Knowledge on the subject of blouses — their colours, their regalia, their strypes. And instead of engrayvings that simulat’d the raiment, he employed a Great Magick that stopp’d time and show’d how the raiment actually look’d, in all its great Scope and Varyetee. And this was Very Good.
Even better, Henderson added new Informations to his Knowledge every 26 moons. And these became known as the Great Updaytings, and the period between them became known as the Time of Much Anticipashonne, so eager were the people to learne about the blouses.
I have journey’d here to informe you, O my children, that the latest Time of Much Anticipashonne has now ended, and the Great Updayting is now upon us. And this is Very, Very Good.
Those benight’d souls who are Unf’miliar with Henderson may wish to study the teachings I present’d at the time of the last Updayting, and may also want to hie themselves to the Sample Informations that Henderson has gen’rously put forth. Those who are already acolytes would do well to proceed directly to the Marketplace.
At this pointe I must acknowledge that this latest Updayting includes a preamble that I myself penned at Henderson’s gracious request. And it was a request I felt privileg’d to grant, so high is my esteem for all things Hendersonian.
Indeed, Henderson’s gen’rosity of spirit knows no bounds, for he has announc’d the following Gifts to the People:
I) Great Fortune will shyne upon ten of our citizens this seasonne, for Henderson shall bestow upon them the latest Great Updayting without imposing any tariff or barter, which should be cause for Great Merriment throughout the land. All who wish to be el’gible for this speculation should dispatch a mess’nger to these coordinates by dusk on Tuesday next. I shall proclaim the ten winners on the morrow. (As is custom’ry, only one mess’nger per citizen, I prithee, except for those who have been induct’d into the Programme of Fellows, who may send up to four.)
II) For those who fail to win the speculation, fear not! For all citizens who read this broadsheet shall be able to secure a Discounte of five dollarres by employing the cryptograph “paulhatespurple” at the time of tariff. I confess that I am not certain of this term’s Meaning, but Henderson’s maneuv’rings are sometimes beyond my ken.
And with that, O my children, I leave you to commence the rejoicing. Remember not to spill mead on your keyboards.
In case you missed it on Wednesday”¦: You still have a few days to stock up on methadone before the site goes on vacation. Details here.
Live chat reminder: You still have a few hours to pretend you’re busy working before today’s live web chat, which will take place at noon eastern.
Uni Watch News Ticker: What do you do if you have a huge jersey collection? Make a rap video about it (with thanks to Chris Flinn). ”¦ Several old Formula 1 helmets shown in this article. ”¦ New basketball court for Virginia Tech (with thanks to Jonathan Sluss). ”¦ An Islanders jersey was featured on Michael & Michael Have Issues — sort of. “Because of licensing restrictions, the Reebok logo on the left wrist was blacked out and the chest logo was replaced by a number,” explains John Muir. “Oddly, they kept the Stanley Cup shoulder stripes. Hooray for an Isles jersey doing something positive in the media!” ”¦ Indiana will be wearing a 125th-anniversary patch this season (with thanks to Kyle Donnelly). ”¦ If you click the “Video” link near the top of this page, you’ll see a nice little report about Oregon football players getting outfitted for the upcoming season (with thanks to Dave Anderson). ”¦ Did you know that the Mariners’ relief pitchers have been displaying gladiator helmets in their bullpen? I didn’t (maybe because it never occurred to me that Shawn Kelley was a gladiator), but whatever, now they’ve been told not to do it anymore. ”¦ Jorge Posada wore a “15” on his mask last night, as a tribute to Thurman Munson (with thanks to Tal Yellin and Ryan Farrell). ”¦ Repeated from last night’s comments: Enough is too much. ”¦ Speaking of too much, check out Adidas’s new practice jerseys for Tennessee. Not sure if any other schools are wearing this template, but we’ll presumably find out soon (with thanks to Scott Gleeson Blue). ”¦ Matt Powers plans to head to Balty for next Wednesday’s A’s/O’s tilt. If any of you Charm City readers want to meet up with him, give him a shout. ”¦ Two of the worst uni tropes — camo and pink — have been commingled in a Scottish soccer kit (blame Neil MacLeod). ”¦ The Titans’ memorial decal for Steve McNair will look like this.